Pastor John,
I want to tell you about my experience with you at lunch. It means a lot to me.
When we were ordering our food this afternoon and it came time for you to place your order, you told the server, “Just surprise me – pick something that you think is good.”
That tickled me – I thought it was a courageous thing to do and I said as much. You then said, “it’s just food.” Your words struck me and that grew into something bigger as the day went on. I want to tell you what I felt from the Lord about that.
A lot of years ago, I realized something about myself: I enjoyed food too much. I was finding a kind of pleasure in food that was allowing me to check my hunger for God, momentarily. I was able to put my mind and my expectations toward an excellent meal and stop feeling, briefly, the longing for the next touch from Jesus. It was temporary comfort.
When I saw this behavior was costing me in Jesus, I set out to stop worrying about what I was eating and began eating because I needed to – to sustain myself. I quit contemplating the things that would taste best, how to prepare them, where to get them, etc, and began choosing food and portions to simply stave off hunger; whatever was relatively healthy and convenient. I didn’t look forward to a meal anymore – it just didn’t matter.
I wasn’t long on this new road when I woke up one Sunday to find an email that you had sent out late in the night, it was from Amy B. and you had shared it with everyone. I read that email and soon found myself on the floor making snow angels in the carpet. The feelings from Jesus were pouring over me so that I felt I had gone someplace heavenly. I then realized as I continued carving out snow angels in the carpet knap, smiling with a joy that only comes from Jesus, that I was experiencing a feeling in the Spirit that was hidden within that email. By staying hungry, refusing to be filled with anything else and waiting on God, God had opened a door to feelings that I could not have otherwise experienced.
I realized today, pastor John, all these years later, that is the true fast – fasting from earthly pleasures that fill in the down times – those same downtimes that you warned us about today. Those are the times when we aren’t feeling Jesus – when we aren’t “flying high” in the Spirit. Those times are uncomfortable, we feel wanting, hungry, and in need of something that we can’t give ourselves. You warned us today to beware of how we fill those times of wanting. The true fast is when we refuse to put any earthly thing in that place, choosing instead to stand fast in our feeling of need for Jesus until he comes and fills us up again.
Things in this world, earthly pleasures, can temporarily fill that longing for the next touch from Jesus. We can put (give) our heart to something earthly so we don’t have to feel the wanting. It can be food; the momentary high from buying something new, exercise, TV, working – absolutely anything if we begin to wear it tight enough so that it insulates us from feeling that need that should drive us deeper into the Lord. It is a temporary comfort against God’s absence.
That is what I felt like you were saying pastor John, when you said, “It’s just food”. Not that you had taken a stand against enjoying food, but that you had taken a stand long ago against caring much about food or anything else temporal. You wouldn’t give it power today to satisfy your needs. Nor did you give it power to disappoint!
In that place, pastor John, a man no longer selects his clothing to satisfy his desire to look a certain way, but instead looks around to see what the world is wearing, and dresses similarly to fit in best he can – in a world where he does not belong. Waiting, wanting, and suffering patiently for Jesus to come, and refusing to be comforted (or dulled) by anything else.
Thank you for your time today, it taught me a lot 🙂
Jerry
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