Pastor John,
I wanted to write this down and send it to you. It is an old story but it feels alive to me this evening. I’ve learned to trust that feeling.
This happened about 14 years ago….and that evening, Jesus showed up, and it changed my life: That summer evening, I was sitting at my desk, at the gym that I worked at, watching the clock and awaiting the time to close up. The place was empty, as it usually was near closing time; it was nearing 9 pm.
I worked at this gym, back then, at night time… minding the place during business hours every night, (after working 8 hours at my day job) until closing time. The reason I had taken this second job was because I was in this gym every evening anyway. I spent an hour and a half, and sometimes two hours in there every night exercising, so it seemed like a good idea to be compensated for being…..where I already was anyway.
Now, at this point in my life, being in the gym was the center of my life. It had occupied that place in my heart for years. But it wasn’t the “being at the gym”, actually, that held me captive, or even the hours of heavy weight training, that stuff was time consuming and hard work, I could have quit both of those, it was the large, strong person that I had become through that hard work. That was what my life centered around, the muscle that I had developed with all of that effort. That was what my life had become–the upkeep of exaggerated size and muscle that I had built from years of work. Everything that I had control over, in my life, was worked in around the time, energy and nutrition required to maintain the size that I had produced by heavy weight training. And I saw to its upkeep, even to the peril of many more important things over those years.
I had started out a small fellow, reaching about 147 pounds at age 16, and apparently was done growing. It was easy for me to get attached to heavy weight training, and I did at the age of 19. With many years invested, I became a much larger and stronger person. Somewhere in there, that became my identity (to me). My size, my strength, it was who I thought I was. It was what defined me, and the way that people thought of me. My flesh enjoyed the feeling of being extraordinary, physically, and it went on to transcend everything in my heart and become what and who I wanted to be, and what I cared about most. And I protected it. I made sure that the upkeep of that person came first: the daily time consuming workouts, the time away from home and people and things that were of substance, and the expensive and heavy doses of supplements too.
Now, the time in which I worked for this gym was the same time in my life when I had just begun to meet with the saints in Louisville, for your old testament class, at brother Gary’s home. And deep in my heart, I could feel that this “old” nature that I had catered to for all these years was conflicting with the Jesus that I was beginning to know. I had these new and wonderful feelings from Jesus, this new desire for life and feelings in the Spirit, and I could feel the struggle in my heart between that old man who had lived for muscle and strength and the meekness, gentleness and longsuffering of the subdued person that Jesus was wanting to create in me. I could feel that these two natures were indeed separate and that they could not coexist. I also felt that, as much as I loved what I felt from Jesus, I could not just lay down that part of me that conflicted with Jesus. I didn’t even want to. Instead, I wanted to keep both natures, so I rationalized the weight lifting as “good for me” and healthy exercise and then turned a blind eye to the extra muscle that I was inwardly consumed with maintaining. I tried to pretend that part didn’t exist. I just wouldn’t look at it. At the same time, deep in my heart, I knew I was holding on to something that was hindering me in Jesus. I tried to not feel bad about it. I tried to make it make sense, but it was just flesh, and deep down, where I dared not look, I knew it.
This is the important part. That night, 14 years ago in that gym, near closing time, while sitting at the desk alone….Jesus, my Savior, spoke to me. In my heart, not my ears, but it was Jesus. He asked me a question, out of the blue…”Why do you work out”, and with all my heart exposed to Him and with all the truth that He already sees, I responded, “Because I am afraid. I am afraid of shrinking up and being a normal sized person. I am afraid of being ridiculed or laughed at for any reason. I am afraid of being ridiculed for obeying God. My size keeps people from making fun of me or laughing at me. I’ve hid behind my size for a long time.”
Then, Jesus asked me, “What would you do if you stopped working out?” And with tears in my eyes, I answered, “I would hide behind you, Lord.”
I then wrote the gym owner a note and left it on his desk, placed the keys on the desk, locked up and shut the door behind me…and never returned. I had quit. I was free. For the first time in a decade, I was free. And I was utterly dependent on Jesus.
I felt complete that night, a whole and singular and perfect person, and pleasing to Jesus. All that I could do was wonder why I hadn’t done it sooner 🙂
It made me cry writing the last part of that. It was such a sweet moment in Jesus. This was such a real and healing experience.
It is late. Good night.
Jerry
Read Full Post »
Pastor John's House Mail Bag 